Wow. I think you've finally nailed it. This has the same feeling that attracted me to your poetry in the first place. My own plea is to use a BIT more puncuation, especially since you have all those "oh"s in there.
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141,408 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
...It was great, it hit the nail on the head, and I think that more than a few people will identify with it. Bravo.
This was sad. This made me sad. It was good... but sad. Why am I so sad now?
The last line really depressed me... well, to the extent of a poets depressionistic mind... but... Brad... Jesus, this was pretty damn good!
Yeah, a bit more punctuation but it's not like we're asking you to comma every single line (most of them are already comma'd)